i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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