I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
