we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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