Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
