my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just want nice things and good sex
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
