Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
