my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
