my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Is it penis luge time yet?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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