It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
