O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
