i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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