Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Randomize
