it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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