So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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