you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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