would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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