So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
