Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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