just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
