I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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