the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
