I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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