I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
