Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
