I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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