who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
