How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He? As in you personified your dick?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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