Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
