you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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