I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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