I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
