Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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