i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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