Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
