Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
