i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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