Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
