Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
