Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
