I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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