I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
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