I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
