whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
