the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize