an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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