Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
