so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
