I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
