I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Randomize
