He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Houston, we have a squirter
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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