You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My ATM looks so different sober.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
