I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
