Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just want nice things and good sex
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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