I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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