Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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