I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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