I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
