...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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