i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
