i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
