I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
