It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
