i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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