awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
