the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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