You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
