I just pynch a tree in the face
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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