I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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