my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
